Author: Guest Blogger

Once again we set sail on the merry seas to a journey with no end in site.

It was decided when the plans for Failboat where drawn up to update all the office calculators, pens, ledgers etc (you get the idea – I’m talking about a Visionary upgrade).  So many millions have been spent setting up the Pen repository, notepad dispensary and of course making sure the correct stationary is delivered to the correct desk.

However we can only deliver this to new desks at present.  Also if a desk has for example an oversized in tray or a unusual desk tidy then this visionary system cannot proceed.   It’s quite a relaxing time during this update as there’s very little to do.  If fact it’s quite enjoyable testing the chair.  At the current rate we are updating less than 8 desks per day.  Not bad for a team of 4 (one at the failboat 3 based in SS Freakhouse).

…..maybe not.

Sad, sad day.  Late April 2009 will always be remembered for the departing of a ‘colleague’.  Well when I say ‘colleague’ it’s in the loosest possible terms.  You see, since SS Failboat departed these shores we’ve had a floating crew member.   That member did indeed have his own bunk and associated accessories.  However the colleague, who we’ll call Borice never really wanted to board the SS Failboat.  Quite often the hapless Borice would fall over cracks in the vessels decking, blame other crew members for his depression and generally shy away from his duties.

Being at sea on the failboat meant we’d have to leave Borice behind.  He was happy with this arrangement as he could still get paid and generally have a bit of time off from his duties.   Borice decided eventually this was enough, he left the SS Failboat before a meeting with ships captain.

So farwell seaman Borice, I’d say you’d be missed.  But to be missed you would’ve had to have turned up occasionally.

Early start today, bridge duty on the SS Failboat. Quite a tedious task, sit in a quiet room for a couple of hours and look as the ships system monitors. Though only one of the six actually applies to me.

Seems that all the crew members of the SS Failboat need to spend time in here, well nearly all. The senior captains seem not too. I think this is probably my fifth time on duty and as with before I managed to get a bit of a kip. Easily done as the room is much quieter than the rest of the vessel.

The galley was a little shite this morning, 4 pieces of brown toast were requested. However as with the current policy of not actually getting stock when at port I find that brown is not on offer. However white bread is available. This took longer to actually prepare due to the galley chef not realizing that toasters can be switched on. So 4 stodgy slices of white later I’m full and ready for the 2nd part of my bridge kip.

Further developments from within the SS Failboat have kept myself and other crew members busy for a while. The Admirals ledger books have been due for replacement. So the Failboat governors have introduced a new ledger which the team from SS CACKSON have been busy working on.

Slight teething troubles with this new ledger

• Some crew cannot open the ledger
• Some crew once they have managed to open this ledger are noticing all the pages are missing.
• Some people are noticing some pages are missing

Only slight problems though. It has saved the Admiralty a vast amount of money though. However we can no longer dock into certain ports due to these problems. I’m sure these minor issues will be sorted soon, without the need to those ports to involve the services of SS Smallclaimscourt.

Anyway, as this has been a major ‘suck’cess for the crew from SS CACKSON we will not be critical of their decision to hold a large party when their voyage was complete. Despite large numbers of people from SS SHATONSUPPORTSTAFF not turning up.

Anyway, must dash almost time for me to move away from the bridge and continue to work in engine room.

Yours,

SS FAILBOAT crew member

……..no handbook from my employers. Still waiting for the ability to access a HR related website. We need a keyfob which costs a vast £13. Apparently this is to much of a cost for ‘bean counter’ to actually get off his arse and order. So I have to ask my manager to arrange payment for something which I should’ve had 6 months ago.

Oh the joys of working for a major outsourcing company. Indeed the word I’m looking for is cunts.